THIS IS WHY YOU KNOW ME.

2017

MAXWELL R. SHULTZ

Comedian/ Author

My work as a writer tends to be mostly essay driven. My first full length book is a memoir titled "This is why you know me."
I'm a professional stand-up comedian of five years. I also cohost the radio program, Poptarts in my VCR every Tuesday on 91.5 WUML. It can also be streamed on wuml.org. In addition, I co-host a Podcast, "One-hour Parking" based out of northern Massachusetts. Click on the link below to find the most recent episode.

 

Things to bring up later

2:47AM

Saturday

Beginning of Fall

The television glares in a dimly lit living room. It’s cold and windy. The old windows shake loudly.  An ashtray, some scattered pens, a dirty dish, and a three day old newspaper are the only things on the coffee table. Someone is falling asleep on the sofa. From under the couch cushion, a cell phone rings. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, aghumph, I... I... I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“For what, honey?”

“I do...don’t know what...aght...happened…”

“What do you mean?”

“I…can’t move…..I think….I think I blacked out.”

“Well you’re home right?”

Incoherent sobbing and muted shrills respond.

“Are you safe?”

“Yes...no…. I mean, gulp, I’m home….but I think, aghlt, I….. I need you.”

“Babe, it’s nearly three in the morning. What do you need?”

“I...mhph….I don’t know...I….I think...I puked on the floor...oh my god...and the bed….I’m lying in it…” Trailed off by louder sobbing. 

“Well, maybe go take a shower get some water.”

“I can’t move! Oh my god… what if it’s in the house?! My family can’t see it!” 

“Well, once you can move, go check. You should stop sleeping in the vomit, and get yourself some water if you can. This sucks, but you’ll have to tell your parents. It will be okay.”

“No! No. No, no, no I can’t; they’ll yell. They’ll be angry! I need you.”

“Do you actually need me to drive up to you right now?”

“I don’t, mghph, want you to feel like you have to…”

“No, I will, but I can’t stay up for too long, you know, well, maybe you don’t anymore, but I have to work for twelve hours in the morning, and you’re an hour away from my job.”

“Okay…..you sure?”

After a hearty sigh, “Yes I’m sure, I’ll be there soon.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”


3:26AM

Saturday

Beginning of Fall

CVS is poorly staffed. The lights hang low. Someone walks to the clerk and without speaking a word hands over twenty four dollars for rug cleaner, two bottles of water, aspirin, a bag of chips, an energy drink, and saltines. They walk out of the store and put their purchase next to the backpack full of rags, a uniform and a change of clothes for their partner. 


4:28AM

Saturday

Beginning of fall

Someone parks their car down a long driveway and quietly unlocks the front door and enters the house. Everyone is asleep. The lights are off. They walk down the hallway toward a bedroom and step on wet carpet. They groan, spray rug cleaner over the general area and scrub with a rag. A bedroom door is ajar with light shining through. It opens to find someone, drunk and indisposed. The rug is stained, the comforter is dripping, and the mattress has a pink hue. Someone wakes up crying.

“Hey. Thank you so much….”

“You’re welcome, I know you’d do this for me too.”

They pull out a bottle of water and aspirin. 

“Thanks…”

“Yup, listen, we’re going to scrub for an hour, then I’m going to sleep on the couch. Okay?”

“Okay, but I want you here.”

“Well, you’re currently laying in vomit. I’m not going to lay in vomit.”

“Right...what about the chair?”

“Fine, I’ll sleep in the chair again.”

“Yay”

The inebriated gets out of bed and helps scrub the floor. They scrub the blankets, and the mattress. 

“Your shirt and pants are covered…”

Sobbing

Clean clothing are produced from the backpack.

“..thanks…”


6:56AM

Saturday

Beginning of fall

The sun is raising. Someone is sleeping poorly in a chair. Someone else is sleeping away from the vomit in their same bed. A mother walks in the room.

“What happened?”

“Morning,” the chair sleeper says.

“Well good morning to you too...were you both out drinking last night?”

“Nope,” points and shrugs, “I got here a few hours ago…”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah,..to help me….” Someone wakes up.

“Well..you’re good to my kid,...good for you”

“No problem.”

“I’m gonna puke.” They run to the bathroom.

“I need a cigarette.” The mother says.

“Me too.” The mother joins while her kid vomits away the morning.

And the day.

And the evening.


4:37PM

Saturday

Beginning of fall

A text is received.

“Thank you. I love you.”


10:13PM

Thursday

Late winter

It is abnormally warm outside. The rain pours fiercely. Umbrellas are ripped from gripping hands. Someone has just parked their car. They walk across the street and open the door to their basement apartment. They get a towel to dry off and sit on the sofa to eat a late dinner. The television glares a dim light. The wind shakes the screen door around. An ashtray, some scattered pens, a dirty dish, and an old newspaper are the only things on the coffee table.

Quickly, they realize the rug is wet. They assume it's their shoes and put the towel down below their feet. A roommate walks in the living room.

“Hey! Why’s everything soaked?!”

“Oh, I thought it was our feet.”

“No! We’re flooding, look under there!” A pool of water collects from the wall to under a side table. 

“Oh my God!”

Landlords are called. Furniture is moved. An apartment sits in calamity. Belongings are ruined. Roommates sit in distress.


10:31PM

Thursday

Late winter

A cell phone rings beside a laid upon pillow. It goes unanswered. Its owner sends a text message.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“My apartment flooded, I’m freaking out. I’m so angry and upset, I just need to talk to you.”

“Oh, babe, I’m so sorry to hear that! Are you okay?”

“Not really...can you call me back?”

“Oh, I’m going to sleep. I work in the morning, you know that.”

“...right.”

“Yeah. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Love you too.” 

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Maxwelll Shultz

 

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